Away for a girls weekend. I am with my besties at a beautiful resort surrounded by nature and breathtaking views. There is wine, munchies and laughter. We are suppose be catching up on writing we need to do; prepare posts for the upcoming weeks and get ourselves ahead. It’s quiet, relaxing and peaceful. Instead of enjoying it, a tension is welling deep in my chest. After several attempts to load my computer and connect to the internet, I am left with a mountain of frustration and a screen saver of my babies. Sadness melts over me.
My dreams have come true. Since I was a little girl I dreamed of being a mom. I prayed for 10 little toes and 10 tiny fingers. I prayed for those late night snuggles and those barely audible whisper ‘ I love you!’ as they drift off to sleep. They are my pride and joy. They exceeded everything I thought I wanted and made me proud to have played apart in their lives. They are my everything.
As they get older, smarter and more independent, they need me less. Where once I was a vessel that provided oxygen, food and life, now I am on the outside, watching my creation take form and shape. Close enough to share in the joy and pain, but not the center of the world. They are becoming amazing human beings. Thoughtful, caring and helpful. A treasure that thinks of others in a society that thinks of “me” before “you”. They make their own choices, form their own friendships and make their own mistakes. I am there when they fall, but the power of my kisses aren’t as powerful as they once were. Sometimes, they stand before I can reach them. They are surviving on their own.
I feel like I am stuck in an hour glass. My whole life was focused on becoming a mother. As I slip through the tiny opening onto the next side of my life I am left with many questions.
Where do I go from here?
Who am I?
I will always be their mother. I will always be here for them. It’s time to find out who I really am. It is scary and intriguing all at the same time. I’m not use to putting myself first and it will be a struggle. Admitting this is the first step to understanding I need a change. I need to find ME!